C.O.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.C.Y: Not that again... What the Heck Does That Mean Anyhow?

What Does Codependency Look Like?

Codependency looks like this: You’re doing everything you can. You make sure the kids are fed, the appointments are kept, and the bills are paid. You show up, even when you're exhausted—especially when you're exhausted. That’s what keeps everything going. You don’t fall apart. You hold it together.

Somewhere in all of this, you lost track of yourself.

This is where we begin.

Codependency in Everyday Life

Codependency is one of those words we hear tossed around by well-meaning professionals, family members, and self-help books. Yet most people don’t fully understand what it means or recognize the subtle but powerful ways it shapes their lives.

Books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie are frequently recommended by psychotherapists. These books have helped open the conversation, but many people walk away feeling unclear, overwhelmed, or worse—ashamed.

Let me tell you about someone I know. He’s the single father of four teenagers. He handles school meetings, sports practices and events, friend meet-ups, and family celebrations with extended family. He makes sure there are groceries and dinner on the table. He doesn’t complain. He also goes the extra mile to value his relationship with each of his kids—intentionally spending one-on-one time with them every week. He works, he gives, and he shows up.

For years, he was in a relationship where he constantly worried about his weight, his appearance, and whether he was good enough. She criticized him often. She didn’t form more than a superficial relationship with his kids. Still, he stayed. He served her. He hoped it would one day be enough.

It wasn’t.

His ex-wife, the mother of his children, passed away. About three months later, his girlfriend permanently ended their relationship. She struggled with his grief, his closeness with his children, and the life he was trying to rebuild. The breakup hurt deeply.

Soon after, he found himself in another complicated situation—this time with someone who called him her best friend. They never dated. He never approached her romantically. He feared rejection. But he did everything for her—just like before.

When she finally told him she was seeing someone else, he was devastated.

This is codependency.

This story is one example of what codependency looks like in real life—when you’re doing everything right and still losing yourself. Codependency doesn’t always look like desperation. Sometimes, it looks like Strength. Loyalty. Kindness. Sometimes it looks like showing up for others again and again. Sometimes, it even looks like Love. But under the surface, something important is missing—YOU.

What it really is… is losing yourself.

Codependency if Often Misunderstood

It’s not just about being nice or self-sacrificing. It’s about building a life around someone else’s needs—so completely that you forget you have your own.

You might find yourself saying:
- “I just want to make them happy.”
- “If I do this right, maybe they’ll stay.”
- “It’s easier to give in than to cause a problem.”
- “I don’t even know what I want anymore.”

These aren’t signs of emotional weakness. They are signs of codependency—patterns that develop when you’ve lived in a world that hasn’t made space for your needs. You learned to stay safe by staying small. You learned that being easygoing might keep the peace.

Somewhere along the way, you learned that your value comes from how well you care for others. You learned to anticipate needs before anyone speaks them. You learned that peace is easier to maintain than honesty.

Now, it’s simply exhausting.

And here’s the most painful part: codependency doesn’t just diminish you. It also distorts your view of others. It quietly teaches the people around you that they can’t manage without you. That they’re not capable. That your way is the only way.

When we devalue ourselves, we often—without meaning to—devalue others too.

True connection requires equality. It requires recognizing your own worth and believing in the worth of others. That’s why valuing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

Why Codependency is Hard to Spot

Codependency thrives in silence. It doesn’t announce itself. It whispers. It rewards you for putting yourself last and calls it love. It tells you that you’re needed—until the day you’re not. Then it tells you it’s your fault.

Identifying codependency isn’t about labeling yourself. It’s about waking up.

It’s about realizing that being needed isn’t the same as being loved.

It’s about remembering that sacrifice is not the same as connection.

It’s about choosing to live from the inside out—not the outside in.

How do I STOP being Codependent?

Now it’s time to learn something new: how to center yourself.

Start by asking yourself:

- Who am I trying to please?
- What do I fear will happen if I stop?
- When did I stop listening to myself?

These powerful questions can be uncomfortable and they’re the beginning of your return to you.

What You Can Do Today

1. Write down one thing you want that’s only for you. Not your kids. Not your partner. Just you.
2. Pay attention to how often you say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
3. Practice saying, “Let me get back to you,” when someone asks for something.
4. Start a journal. Not to track your progress—but to listen to yourself. Even a sentence or two can remind you that your voice matters.

These steps are small, but they matter. These are the first steps in healing from codependency—small, intentional changes that lead you back to yourself.

They’re not about fixing you. They’re about finding you.

You’re not lost. You are here, now.

A Work in Progress

You are the reason why I’ve created Linen—a work in progress shaped by real lives and real pain. It’s not an answer to everything. But it is a new voice in the conversation—one grounded in clarity, warmth, and truth.

Linen exists because the current conversation around codependency too often leaves people feeling confused or ashamed. Books like Codependent No More rarely offer the kind of clarity that people need to make sense of their own patterns.

Linen is being written to offer that clarity. The message is shaped for women who feel stuck in patterns that are hard to understand. It’s being created with the hope that one day, someone like you will pick it up, feel seen, and begin again.

Linen is not published yet—but it’s coming; written with you in mind.