Independence Isn’t Loneliness—It’s Freedom

If the idea of independence makes you feel anxious, you’re not alone. Many people fear that being independent means being alone, unloved, or disconnected. But real independence isn’t about isolation—it’s about wholeness. It’s about knowing you can stand on your own emotionally, mentally, and practically while still being deeply connected to others. Independence and freedom go hand in hand—when you trust yourself, you gain the freedom to create the life and relationships you truly want.

The Fear of Independence: It’s Not What You Think

When people hear the word independence, they sometimes imagine being completely alone—cut off from relationships, love, and support. But that’s an irrational belief, one that cognitive therapist Albert Ellis identified as a common distortion of thinking. Ellis described how all-or-nothing thinking—believing that you must be either completely independent and alone or fully dependent and secure—can trap people in fear and avoidance. Don’t believe everything you think.

But life isn’t black and white—it exists on a continuum. Some days, you may feel strong and capable on your own. Other days, you may need support, and that’s okay. Growth happens in the in-between spaces. Learning to recognize irrational fears about independence can help you shift from avoidance to empowerment.

Why Autonomy Is Key to Healthy Relationships

Erik Erikson, one of the first to study personality development, emphasized that we all start life in dependence, relying entirely on others to meet our needs. As we grow, we develop autonomy—the ability to think, make decisions, and take care of ourselves. Erikson described how this process isn’t just about childhood; it continues throughout life as we build our identity and sense of self.

His theory also highlights the stage of intimacy versus isolation, where individuals must first develop a strong identity before they can form deep, healthy relationships. When we fear independence, we risk slipping into codependence, where our sense of security and identity comes from someone else instead of from within. John Gottman’s research on relationships supports this, showing that the strongest partnerships happen when two whole people choose to be together—not when two incomplete people cling to each other for stability.

Learning to Dance: A Lesson in Interdependence

Three years ago, my husband and I started ballroom dancing lessons at Agrello Dance and Fitness. In the beginning, we were clumsy, constantly stepping on each other’s toes and getting in each other’s way. We were both so focused on what the other was doing—trying to adjust, compensate, or control—that we weren’t actually learning to dance.

Then we learned something that changed everything: we were each accountable for our own position—our torso, hands, feet, head—and for learning the form and steps independent of each other. Once we understood that we had to hold our own frame, balance, and movement, something clicked. Instead of two clumsy people colliding, we became two individuals moving with confidence, which allowed us to come together as true dance partners.

This is what happens in relationships, too. When we rely entirely on another person to hold us up, we lose our balance. But when we stand strong on our own, we create a foundation for a beautiful, synchronized connection—one where we move together not out of necessity, but out of choice. Independence and freedom allow you to dance through life with confidence, knowing that your strength doesn’t come from someone else—it comes from within.

The Path from Dependence to Interdependence

Think of life like a giant rainbow instead of just black and white. You don’t have to be all the way dependent or all the way independent—there’s a middle ground, and you move back and forth depending on where you are in life.

The healthiest relationships exist in interdependence, where two people support and care for each other without losing themselves in the process. Independence and freedom mean you can handle life’s challenges on your own when needed, but you also know how to let people in. It’s the difference between holding someone’s hand because you want to, versus because you have to in order to feel okay.

What Would Change If You Trusted Yourself?

What if you knew, deep down, that you could handle whatever came your way? That you didn’t need someone else to complete you because you were already whole?

Albert Ellis would challenge the belief that "I can’t be independent because that means I’ll be alone forever." Instead, he’d suggest replacing it with, "I can be independent and still have deep, loving relationships."

Independence isn’t the enemy. It’s the very thing that allows you to build the deep, fulfilling connections you truly want. When you embrace independence and freedom, you gain the ability to love and live fully—on your own terms.